I first met Stephen Crocker in 2009 at
a Christian-run music venue in Gaffney, South Carolina. The band I
was in at the time shared a bill with him, and a few other bands who
are all now defunct. I was just beginning my transition from “metal
elitist” to... whatever I am now. I was very particular about the
kind of Hip-Hop I listened to, and upon hearing that a rapper was
sharing the bill with Punk, Metal and Post-Hardcore bands, I was
interested to say the least.
The band I was in got to the venue way
too early, so we had to amuse ourselves for a few hours. It was 100
degrees that day, and I didn't particularly care for performing while
sober (I still don't) so I killed two birds with one stone by staying
hydrated with cheap vodka, and fruit juice. I wandered around the
block with my Styrofoam cup, waiting for the venue to open, and for
our chance to perform.
After a generic opener that no one
enjoyed, the second band got up, and really killed it. By this point,
I was buzzed enough to sing along to their cover of Iron Maiden's
“The Trooper” without a single care of how I was being perceived
by others; I was officially enjoying the show. Then it was time for
Crocker's set. He got up there, and blazed through a half-hour of
scathing commentary on politics, religion, and mainstream Hip-Hop;
all while injecting his signature brand of wit.
Out of respect for the venue's rules,
he did his set without uttering a single profane word. Afterwards, it
was our turn; so I set up quickly, and while the rest of the band set
up, I went outside to refresh my drink. Walking around front, I saw
the guy who was just on stage moments before, and walked over. When
there was a pause in his conversation, I tapped him on the shoulder,
and said: “Hey man, I really enjoyed your set.”
His eyes lit up in a way that expressed
both shock, and gratitude. The conversation didn't go a lot farther
than the normal expressions of respect, and thanks, but it was the
start of a lasting relationship that has both enriched my life, and
briefly torn it apart. We managed to stay in touch online, until
eventually we hung out enough (mostly at shows) to begin working
together on music. Our first collaboration is something I still look
back upon very fondly, in spite of how much the thought of it stings
right now.
Years passed, and the friendship grew,
as well as his label, Lovelorn Records. I was so excited when he got
banned from Spring Fling, and became the talk of upstate South
Carolina for a week. “That's my dude, right there.” I thought,
certain that all publicity is good publicity. I watched his music
career shift from artist to label exec, and beamed with pride at all
the progress Lovelorn Records made as a collective. Along the way, I
even made a few new friends who were part of the label.
Recently, I hosted the Q&A session
after the documentary that accompanied his collaborative album with
label-mate/friend, Walter Kronkite, “High Almighty”. About eight
of us went to get food after the screening, it was here that I
learned I was considered an “honorary member of Lovelorn Records”.
We all laughed a lot as I sipped my coffee, and soaked it all in; we
then went to his house, and stayed in the studio until about 3am.
Watching such gifted artists work on new music in person was a treat,
and not one that I will soon forget.
On Halloween, 2014, I helped organize a
show that he was scheduled to perform at; marking his first live
performance in quite some time. Lately, running a record label didn't
leave much room for live shows, so we were both disappointed when
cops shut the show down before he had a chance to grab the mic.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed my time talking with him, as always. If
you've never had the pleasure to meet Crocker, he's brilliant, and
sarcastic. A humble titan, a ball of energy, full of love, and desire
to see humanity reach higher consciousness. Never afraid to speak his
mind on any topic, especially when it comes to politics, and
religion.
He's also one of the rare people I will
actually discuss such volatile topics with; he is thoroughly
informed, and quite insightful. He once said that the only Bible
verse he liked to reference was Psalms 82:6 – he said it was the
one verse that empowered him, instead of chaining him. I never have
gotten around to thoroughly discussing the different religions, their
similarities, and what it all means, but maybe one day. Last I heard,
he thought that maybe the afterlife is just “talking it out” with
someone until you finally get it all figured out, and then that's it,
you're done. A nice, long conversation, perhaps under a tree, for
what seems like eternity.
December 5th, 2014, I was happily
working on material for the current band I'm in; something we hadn't
done in a while. At the end of the night I relaxed at home, zoning
out in front of social media, and there it was: the news that has
left me in a numbed state of shock ever since. Crocker was admitted
to the hospital after attempting to leave this earthly realm on his
own terms. I was able to visit him on December 8th, and tell him, far
too late, that I wish he would have just called me.
I spent the previous night listening to
his music, scrolling through his photos online, and focusing on a
mental image of him in a hospital bed, opening his eyes. I tried to
prepare myself, but there's nothing quite like the real thing. Seeing
him hooked to a ventilator made me want to tear my eyes out, so I
could never see such a heart-wrenching sight again. I composed
myself, and spoke to him about how many people loved him dearly, and
just wanted him to come back.
“Come on, don't you want to argue
with these priests here? You know you do.” I said, hoping that the
offer would entice him enough to stir up some signs of life, but
there was no such luck. I hugged a few people, said my goodbyes, and
walked out of the hospital, numb to the cold wind blowing through a
city bathed in gray. I'm still in shock, and disbelief as I write
this; I desperately want to wake up from this nightmare, but again,
there is no such luck.
Crocker is now immortal, I told him so.
He will continue to live through his music, and in the hearts, and
minds of every life that he touches. His music is equal parts history
lesson, diary, and reverse brain-washing tool. He wants people to
engage in critical thinking, and love one another regardless of any
perceivable differences. He wants people to stand up against
oppression of any type, and never be afraid to speak out against
injustice. He wants these things because he genuinely loves people.
People genuinely love him too, the
woman at the hospital's front desk didn't even have to look up his
room number when we asked where he was; clearly he had gotten a
steady stream of visitors all weekend. Crocker is loved more than I
think he imagined. Our lives are so fragile, and precious, but
sometimes we lose sight of that when we struggle with our own minds.
No one is immune to feelings of hopelessness, and it's up to all of
us to make sure that we're there for each other.
For far too long, we've treated each
other as cruel children on a playground. Loudly laughing when someone
falls so we can draw attention, and more laughter from others.
Oftentimes, someone struggling with issues like depression won't
speak up about it because they think that no one will listen, or
care. This is the cruel world that we've built for ourselves. We can
destroy it, and rebuild, but it's going to take a conscious effort,
every single day by every one of us. Compassion, and empathy should
be viewed as something far greater than wealth and status because I
assure you, they are much more valuable.
All we have is each other in this life,
but as children we pick up on bad habits, and some of us are taught
the wrong way to think; then we become bitter, mean-spirited adults
who think only of ourselves. We can break the cycle if we just reach
out to one another, and show love. It doesn't hurt a bit, it's
absolutely free, and the government hasn't figured out how to tax it
or make it illegal yet. Don't give up on us, and become indifferent
or jaded towards this life. Even the worst day can be made a little
better by something as simple as a hug; call me sappy or whatever you
want, but I'm not wrong.
It's well beyond the time for us to
stop dividing one another by race, class, social status, or any other
meaningless label we place upon ourselves. We have to start
considering each other as equals, and understand that we all suffer,
and we all want happiness. We have to understand that we are all the
same, right down to our molecules. How can we expect someone to reach
out to us for support if all we do is act cynical? How can we love
each other if we don't love ourselves, and how can we love ourselves
if no one shows us love? It's reciprocal, give it, and you'll receive
it.
Stop buying into the lies you're told
by a media who only wants you to feel insignificant so you'll go buy
their product, and feel less insignificant. That is of course, until
the new version comes out. You don't need any of that stuff they're
selling, what you need is love, and that's free. Reach out to someone
if you're feeling low, and please, don't leave us; we need you more
than you may ever know.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. You
may feel a little vulnerable doing so, but that doesn't make you
weak, and you shouldn't listen to anyone who says different. Reaching
out just means you have the self-awareness to recognize a problem,
and the courage to make the effort to help yourself. It's not easy to
get through any kind of mental illness, no matter the severity, but
if we're there for each other, we can ease the burden for us all.
This is beautiful and perfect in describing him.
ReplyDeleteThank you for adding beauty to the horrific...Stephen would love it.
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ReplyDeleteRip Crocker !!! U were def one of a kind love always Kayla Caldwell until we meet again....
ReplyDeleteMay he rest in peace. I think people do sometimes get distracted by whatever problems they're going through and lose sight of just how much they are loved by others. It's sad that the world has lost someone just because they were overwhelmed by their struggles.
ReplyDeleteRip Crocker !!! U were def one of a kind love always Kayla Caldwell until we meet again....
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful and perfect in describing him....
ReplyDeleteRip Crocker...!
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